"To arms!"

The day after tomorrow I step on board a BRNC Picket Boat and commence Exercise MARL.  For three nights and four days I'll be out there on the river Dart, sleep deprived, cold and wet for the second time.  There's no way of putting it delicately, funnily enough if you know me you'll have guessed that; I absolutely have to pass this exercise.  Failure to do so will Compulsory Withdrawal From Training and an ignominious return to civvie street...not ideal.

Its no secret that my performance on this exercise last time around was nothing short of shocking.  Hardly something that could be put down to a bad day at the office either, as I could see the whole thing sliding out of my control right before my very eyes yet still could do NOTHING to prevent it.  Now, over the past few posts I've said time and again how this was as a result of the pressure I put myself under in an environment where I really didn't need to.  This time around you'd be right to think that there is reason to be feeling the same pressure that brought me down last time;  "This is it Robson, time to deliver, fail and its back to cutting the hedge in your parent's back garden!"

Strangely though, that pressure isn't there this time.  Am I worried that I may be soon heading home a civilian?  Obviously its on my mind, but not to the extent that's its going to break me.  I know I can do what is set before me, I have seen myself do it and I now know that I can do it again.  The truth is I realise this time around, and what I failed to appreciate before, is that even though there is an officer sat a foot away from me assessing my performance it is not they who decide whether I pass or fail, but me.  I am my own examiner, and last time I examined myself too harshly.

The point I guess I'm trying to drive at, in that usual long-winded "Jim get to the bloody point!" way of mine is that whatever examination conditions you are in, passing it always comes down to the same things.

 Firstly, its a question of self-confidence:  There is no room for modesty or facade here, you have to absolutely know and believe that you have the ability to pass, if you don't then you will be chewed up and spat out. 

Secondly, preparation:  If you find yourself in a situation before an examination where you find yourself changing and tinkering with your notes and plans because you have nothing else to do, or asking yourself "What more can I do?" and being genuinely unable to think of an answer then the chances are you've done enough.

Thirdly, support:  Vital if on the occasion that you falter, even if it is only for a second, you have someone to tell you that you're essentially being an idiot and that you'll be fine.  I was very lucky to have 10 people immediately on hand in the College to tell me this, as well as many more merely a phone call away.  Your own self-confidence will increase tenfold if you have people behind you backing it up.

Whatever the outcome of next week may be, one thing is not in doubt; that the man who either returns to the civilian world or goes to sea is not the same man who walked in through the gates.  It was actually my friend's girlfriend who perhaps summed things up best for me, when she said to my date at the Christmas Ball, "He wanted it too much".  She was right.

That is not to say there here, now, today, I don't want to march up the steps with a sword in my hand any less than on the day I got here, but I'm not going to let that desire dictate my actions or my behaviour anymore.  And with that in mind, its time to go and kick the arse out of MARL!